


save me from myself

by superhusbands



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 21:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6771346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superhusbands/pseuds/superhusbands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>let's dig a little deeper into the end scene of ca:ws and that end credit scene</p>
            </blockquote>





	save me from myself

 

* * *

_What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead._   
_Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper._   
_And I can't take one more moment of this silence._ _The loneliness is haunting me._   
_And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up._

* * *

Everything's a blur as they move to leave the abandoned Hydra base. His good arm's draped around Steve, feet dragging slightly against the uneven ground, and every step seems to get harder and harder as he struggles to swallow past the  **guilt** bubbling up inside of him. 

_"How much do you remember?" Tony whispers, so low maybe he doesn't even want Bucky to hear him._   
_"I remember it all." He mutters back, feeling the tightening of Tony's arm against his windpipe as they struggle and topple backwards._

"It's okay, Buck." Steve's assuring him in soft, dulcet, tones. His hand is strong against his back, fingers splayed over the back of his armor as he propels him forward. It's good, Bucky thinks, that he's there with him. If Steve wasn't moving him forward, watching his back, he would have let Stark finish him off. It was the least that he deserved. 

_"Maybe I'm not worth it." His own words echo in his ears, eyes screwing shut as he tries to block them out._

_"Maybe they should have left me on ice."_

T'Challa is waiting by the Quinjet when they stumble out past the front doors. Steve freezes and Bucky nearly falls to his knees, his weight disproportionate now that his arm is missing. He'd learned how to balance himself with the additional weight of his arm -- now, without it, he's as unbalanced and off-kilter as he was the day he woke up with it. If it comes down to a fight, they'll be outnumbered. He's been rendered useless and Steve's taking more than enough hits from Tony... they won't stand a chance. 

It's then that Bucky notices that he's not alone.  **HE** is with him. The psychiatrist -- the man with the red book, the one with the code to turn him into a monster. He screws his eyes shut, breath coming in a quick gasp, and Steve mistakes it for pain as he reassures him.  _It'll be fine,_ he says with that soft, honest, smile that only Steve can shoot his way,  _I''ve got you buddy._

_Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Daybreak, Furnace, Nine, Benign, Homecoming, One, Freight Car._   
  


Ten words are all it takes. With ten words, he becomes a weapon -- more machine than man.  The fail safe is built into him, within his mind and ingrained in his programming, and it's not something he'll be able to shake. There's no overcoming the programming, no rewriting the code, it's just there...  **WAITING** for someone to tap into it. How many people had he killed now? How much blood was on his hands?

In his dreams, he drowned in it. He choked, cried out, and screamed but it never stopped raining down on him.  No more. 

* * *

"Buck, you don't have to this."

He smiles -- this time, a real one. Steve's always been the optimist, always been the one to keep his chin up in even the grimmest of situations, but even he can't argue with the rationality on this one. Bucky's a liability, a danger to everyone around him, and he can't live with that. It was bad enough watching Steve take punch after punch for him, because of what he'd done, but he could  **REMEMBER** the feel of his hands wrapped around Steve's throat. He couldn't live with himself if that happened again. 

The cryo-tank was their only option.

"It's not forever. This..  _thing_ , in my head," he licked his lips, eyes closing for a moment as he sucked in a breath and snapped them open again, "it's not safe for anyone to be around me. I can't control it. Until we figure out how to fix me," if he could even  **BE** fixed, "this is the only option we've got."

He moves to go to the tank but a hand on his good arm stops him, fingers curving around his bicep as his eyes slip closed. His memories come and go in fleeting bursts and he often struggles to come to terms with what's real and what was fabricated but this -- the feel of Steve pulling him into a hug, of strong arms enveloping him, he knows that's real. He's not sure how long they stand there, his good arm pulling Steve even closer to him, before they're pulling apart and he's backing up towards the machine.

There are so many things he wants to say.

None of this is fair.

I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Tell Stark I'm sorry.

I'll  **MISS** you.

But instead, he stays quiet. The restraints tighten around his legs and his arm as he winces, feels the cold air start to fill the tank as he tries not to shake. It's hard to forget the feeling of the temperature dropping, of breathing becoming more and more difficult as his eyes start to droop. The last thing he sees before the blackness envelopes him is Steve's hand pressed against the glass, a resolute look on his face.

He's seen that look before. He remembers it on a skinny kid from Brooklyn, one who never knew when to back down from a fight... even if he was fighting a battle he'd never win. 

For **HIS**  sake {never his own, he knew he didn't deserve that - not after what he'd done} Bucky hoped that wasn't the case.

* * *

_It comes in waves, I close my eyes._   
_Hold my breath and let it bury me._   
_I'm not okay, and it's not alright._   
_Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?_

> * * *


End file.
